(The same old drivel that I used to put right out in front. Thank god for The Wayback Machine!)
Sometime in the early 1990s, there were two online services (CompuServe and Prodigy) and home Internet access was all but unheard of. One day at a Six Flags theme park in Houston, Texas, called Astroworld, I discovered something new. It was kind of an online service. It was called US Videotel. Their service package, which was basically TeleText with a terminal, included a chat service called YakChat. This was my first introduction to handles, which YakChat called a "pseudo". I always thought of myself as teddy bearish, so I chose Kodiak. I eventually got bored with that and came up with ProPain. I felt it was perfect for me, because of my depression. I was a bad child, and eventually had my USV access taken away. Later in life, I discovered BBSes. I stuck with ProPain for what I learned was called a handle. I envisioned myself becoming a famous black hat hacker, so I eventually changed my handle to ShadowHacker. That lasted until a hacker acquaintence pointed out that it could be misinterpreted as ShadoWhacker. Naturally, I went back to ProPain. At that point in time, I didn't associate ProPain with my identity. Later on, in high school, I had a good friend who was a fellow computer enthusiast, who I talked into choosing a handle. He chose BirdMan, and insisted on calling me by my handle. That annoyed me at first, but I got used to it. Eventually, the spelling became PRoPAiN!, as that was the elite style of the day. One day, BirdMan was driving alone on Interstate 10 during bad traffic and had an epileptic seizure. He died, and that was when PRoPAiN! truly became part of who I am. Some years later, at a party with a bunch of drunken idiots with a homemade tattoo gun, in the midst of a bloody, inky mess, I had PRoPAiN! tattooed on my back. It looked awful, but I was proud of it. Sometime after that, I started adding the "Overlord" part, though I treated that part as a title, like "Mister". Still later, I had the tattoo professionally fixed, and it looks great.
Over the years, I have seen many people, both men and women, use ProPain as a handle, but I saw none before I started using it. There are now several bands that use the word Pro-Pain (with and without the hyphen) in their name, a "sports entertainment" wrestling company in New York called Pro-pain, a mod for a game ("Serious Sam") called Pro-Pain, a CounterStrike clan in Germany called PRO-PAIN, and even a pain killer in England called Propain. I just see it all as a form of identity theft. I am THE Overlord PRoPAiN! I am the original (as far as I know). That's why I chose ThePRoPAiN.com as my domain.
(I did this on May 4, 2009 @ 2:08pm in anticipation of the new site)
THE BASICS:
001. Real name: William Russell Stewart 002. Nickname(s): Russ, PRoPAiN!, Bagel Butt 003. Zodiac sign: Capricorn 004. Male or female: Male 005. Elementary School: Alamo, Lamar 006. Middle School: Horace Mann 007. High School: Robert E. Lee 008. Hair color: brown and grey, but currently dyed black 009. Long or short: short 010. Loud or Quiet: QUIET, but loud when I think it's funny 011. Sweats or Jeans: jeans 012. Phone or Camera: phone; I carry a camera in my box 013. Health freak: um, NO 014. Drink or Smoke?: drink occasionally, I don't "smoke" anymore (e-cig, it's VAPOR) 015. Do you have a crush on someone?: I tend to crush fairly easy, but The Lady Loin's the only one for me! 016. Eat or Drink: EAT! 017. Piercings: just the one earring hole 018. Tattoos: two, stragetically placed so I can still get by in the white-collar world
HAVE YOU EVER...
019. Been in an airplane: yes, LOVE TO FLY 020. Been in a relationship: yes, in one right now 021. Been in a car accident: twice 022. Been in a fist fight: yup
FIRSTS:
023. First piercing: somewhere in the 14-16 range, I think 024. First best friend: can't remember 025. First award: probably a perfect attendance award 026. First crush: Soleil Moon Fry 027. First big vacation: DISNEYLAND!
LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to: my boss 030. Last person you text: The Lady Loin 031. Last person you watched a movie with: The Lady Loin 032. Last food you ate: depending on what counts, steak and a baked potato, or SlimFast 033. Last movie you watched: Farily Odd Parents: Wishology 034. Last song you listened to: DJ PRoPAiN: Inner Universe (Self-Realization) 035. Last thing you bought: aviator goggles on Amazon 036. Last person you hugged: The Lady Loin
FAVE:
037. Food: Sushi! 038. Drinks: Absinthe! 039. Clothing: depending on what counts, my Neko accessories or shorts and a short-sleeved shirt 040. Flower: cherry blossom 041. Animal: cat 042. Colors: blue 043. Movies: too many to list, but THX 1138 will always be at the top 044. Subjects: been a while since I was in school, but sciences and higher maths
LAST YEAR, I...
045. [X] kissed someone 046. [X] celebrated Halloween 047. [ ] had your heart broken 048. [X*] went over the minutes on your cell phone *technically, I CAN'T, but I would have quite often if I could 049. [ ] questioned someone's sexual orientation 050. [ ] came out of the closet 051. [ ] gotten pregnant/got someone pregnant 052. [ ] had an abortion 053. [X*] done something you've regretted *PLEASE don't ask, 'cause I won't tell you 054. [X] broke a promise 055. [X] hid a secret 056. [ ] pretended to be happy 057. [X*] met someone who changed your life *might've been 2008... 058. [X] pretended to be sick 059. [ ] left the country 060. [X*] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it *I'm sure I did, I just don't remember; life's like that with The Lady Loin! 061. [ ] cried over the silliest thing 062. [ ] ran a mile 063. [ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s) 064. [ ] got into an argument with your friends 065. [X] hated someone 066. [ ] stayed single the whole year
CURRENTLY:
067. Eating: nothing, just finished my lunch (SlimFast) 068. Drinking: black coffee 069. I'm about to: get back to work 070. Listening to: my boss yak away on the phone 071. Plans for today: go home, finish Spring Un-Pack-Ratting
YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? Leaning towards no. 074. Want to get married? ?YES. 075. Careers in mind programmer
WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
076. Lips or eyes ? Eyes 077. Shorter or taller? ? not that picky 078. Romantic or spontaneous ? both are great 079. Nice stomach or nice arms ? not that picky 080. Sensitive or loud ? both are great 081. Hook-up or relationship ? Relationship 082. Trouble-maker or hesitant ? both are great in small quantities
HAVE YOU EVER...
083. Lost glasses/contacts ? yes 084. Ran away from home ? yes 085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense ? a knife sometimes 086. Killed somebody ? no 087. Broken someone's heart ? i think so 089. Cried when someone died ? not on the outside...
DO YOU BELIEVE IN...
090. Yourself ? most of the time 091. Miracles ? not sure 092. Love at first sight ? YES 093. Heaven ? not sure, but leaning towards no 094. Santa Claus ? no 095. Sex on the first date yes 096. Kiss on the first date ? yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? YES!!! The Lady Loin!!! 098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? Yes, and I still find it odd that that I can say that 099. Do you believe in God? ? not sure, leaning towards no
FINALLY:
100. One truth, not previously covered: sometimes I'm still afraid of the dark
1. I don't care whose fault it is, but if you're going to throw a bitch-fit about it and immediately start with "I didn't do anything, it just broke", I know it IS your fault. It'll be a hell of a lot easier to fix if you'll simply tell me that you were web-surfing porn and had to pull the plug before your boss caught you.
2. Unless I tell you otherwise, I need your undivided attention. If that incoming call or conversation is more important than having your computer fixed, please let me know and you can call me back when you're not so busy. Otherwise, please get someone else to answer the phone or discontinue the conversation.
3. Please pay attention to what I'm saying. I am the ONLY TECHNICIAN here, and by the afternoon I don't have much of a voice left. If you cannot hear me well, please take one of the following courses of action: ask the person next to you to hold off using the impact driver, get a properly working phone, clean out your ear, get a hearing aid, turn up the volume on your hearing aid, or replace the battery in your hearing aid.
4. I don't expect that you'll know everything, but I prefer to give you the benefit of the doubt. If you don't know how to do what I ask, don't just sit there like a bump on a log; if you'll tell me you don't how, I'll gladly tell you how.
5. Your inability to understand how to use the program properly because you haven't read the documentation is not justification to declare that the program sucks. I AM THE GUY WHO WRITES THE PROGRAM, I'm very proud of my work, and I make it as easy as possible to use.
6. If you're a franchisee, I honestly don't care what you think of your corporation's procedures. The program operates the way your corporate overlords have specified it should. If you are unable to do business that way, I recommend that you either find a way out of your franchise agreement or retool your business model to fit in with what the corporation expects of you.
7. I am not here to make small talk. I've never met you. I doubt I ever will, and I have no desire to. I have absolutely no interest in your hernia surgery, your hip replacement, your/your significant other's breast implants (unless you're asking for my email address so you can send me pictures), your children's/grand-children's academic/athletic achievements, your relationship with your significant/not-significant other, the beautiful/bloody weather there/here, where you are/I am, or anything else that doesn't directly relate to getting your computer back up and running. I only want to get your computer back up and running so that you can get back to business, I can get off the phone with you, and I can move on to the next person who is waiting to have their computer fixed.
8. Your "business acumen" will not get your computer fixed any faster. There is no chain of higher-ups here for you to climb to get faster/better service or preferential treatment. There is only my boss, who will send you right back to me. The net result of attempting this operation will be that it takes LONGER to fix your computer than it would have if you hadn't been a dick/cunt. ALL calls will be returned in the order they were received, just as soon as I possibly can.
9. For the love of whatever deity you worship: cougars/old women calling me "sweetie", "honey", "dearie", etc. makes me nauseous; and even if that wasn't the case, I doubt my wife would appreciate it (if only for the fact that she knows it gives me the creeps). And if you're a man, you better be SERIOUSLY DAMNED CUTE.
10. When the instructions RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU tell you what you need to tell the technician, at least write it down. Even if you don't understand a word of it, I do and I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT SAYS TO FIX THE PROBLEM.
11. When the instructions on how to use a particular part of the program are RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, I do expect that you're going to read them instead of throwing your hands in the air and expecting me to tell you how to use that part of the program. If you have difficulty reading due to poor eyesight, decrease the resolution of your screen, get a bigger screen, have your prescription updated, or seek employment that doesn't require reading. If you have difficulty reading in general, please don't feel ashamed; rather, try an adult remedial reading course, or seek employment that doesn't require reading.
12. If you don't know how to use a computer, the honest truth is that starting with our program will be like jumping in the deep end of the pool with ankle weights. I cannot and do not have the patience to teach you how to use the computer. I will give you a crash course on how to use our program, but you WILL NEED TO KNOW HOW TO USE THE COMPUTER FIRST (look for a adult learning computer course at your nearest community college, or try Video Professor).
13. I support only OUR program. I will not and am not allowed to show or tell you how to do anything in any other program but the one I write. If it's a Microsoft product, check your nearest community college for a course, or for almost any program, try Video Professor.
14. We do not make house calls. If you'd like to provide me with transportation (flight there, because I don't do buses; once there, I don't drive, so either cab fare or a limo), room and board for the weekend (I will not stay at your house, and will not accept a hotel room of any less quality than La Quinta; fast food will be fine, I do enjoy a good dollar menu, make sure I've got morning coffee!), and pay me $100/hr (minimum 1 hour, whether I can fix the problem or not) for my work, I'd be more than glad to come to you and do whatever you'd like me to do your computer.
15. Understand that, though I've given in to calling it "fixing your computer", what I do for you is not actually "fixing your computer". I CAN fix your computer (see #14), but calling what I do "repair" would be like you "repairing" one of your customers' "broken" car by filling the gas tank.
16. (This is a corollary to #4.) Until I specifically tell you I can see what's on your screen, if you're seeing something other than what I'm telling you should see, please tell me. As for our program, if you've done exactly what I've told you and are looking exactly where I tell you to look, what I tell you to look for WILL BE THERE. You know who you are.
17. I don't honestly care what you think should be possible and easy to put in the program, even given your umpteen bazillion years of programming experience with everything from UNIVAC to Deep Blue. If you can write a better program, then why are you on the phone with a lowly high-school dropout and self-taught programmer (and a rather bad-ass one at that)?
